The Lost Friend Found Blog

A little help from my friends

Posted on September 3, 2010 by LA

I get by with a little help from my friends. As it turns out, they get along with a little help from me.

For a long time, I was in a close relationship with someone who frequently told me that I was emotionally needy. I came to believe it. I was an emotional leech in constant need of attention and reassurance. If I weren’t so insecure, the story went, I wouldn’t require so much tending.

It took me a lot of years to understand that this line of reasoning was the perfect excuse for someone who was not really interested in giving emotional support. I am aware now that I am fairly normal when it comes to emotional needs and the ability to give emotional support, and yet those old ideas still lie buried in my subconscious mind.

Recently, I have been coping with a small smorgasbord of what psychologists call psychosocial stressors. My husband lost his job. My daughter is a teenager. A couple of extended family members have died. Business has been more stressful than usual. Through it all, I have leaned heavily on my friends.

I have leaned so heavily on them that the zombies of old criticisms began to rise from their shallow graves in my psyche. “You’re too needy!” they hissed. “You suck the life out of everyone who comes into contact with you!” “No one will want to spend time with you if you keep complaining about your life!” I tried mightily to stay cheerful and stop mentioning the things that were bugging me. I failed more often than not.

This week, a close friend gave me a sweet gift. Her oldest son had moved back to college after being home for the summer, and the whole experience was stressful for her. She told me that some advice I had previously given her helped her cope. She thanked me for the wisdom I had shared. I thanked her for telling me it had helped.

Yes, I have been needy of late. I thank my friends for their understanding, their compassion, and their advice. I also want to remind them that nothing takes a person’s mind off her own troubles like listening to someone else talk about theirs.

You know who you are. You have my number.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Meet The Parents

Posted on August 31, 2010 by Joanne

Several months ago, our “Meet The Parents” night went considerably better than the movie version. At least, I think it did. There were no lie detector machines, no hidden web cams, and no grilling of The Boyfriend. Overall, I think it went rather well. Of course the Boyfriend may have had an entirely different experience, especially after he witnessed my uh… slight outburst of annoyance when a car went tearing down our block blasting a car radio loud enough to shake the house like a small earthquake. In any case, he is still around so I’m guessing I didn’t scare him off.

A few days ago, we had a slightly different version of the “Meet The Parents” theme when we met The Boyfriend’s parents. It was an entirely new experience for me and it got me thinking about meeting people for the first time. I started wondering how our preconceived ideas affect those first time meetings.

In this particular instance, I was prepared to like Mr. & Mrs. Boyfriend Parents. Feeling that I already knew something about them, thanks to my daughter, I fully expected to have a lot in common with them. I based my opinion on what I heard from my daughter as well as just from knowing their son. Indeed, I would have been shocked if I had discovered that I didn’t like them. It’s clear that my mind was made up right from the start. I had already decided I would like these people. Dinner with them that evening simply confirmed this.

What if I had gone into the dinner with a different attitude? What if I had been prepared to dislike them? His parents would have been at an immediate disadvantage, having to prove themselves to be good people. If that had been the case, my attitude probably would have been apparent to them. Maybe they wouldn’t have even bothered trying to be nice to me and would have disliked me right from the first introductions. After all, what reason would I have given them to like me when it was clear I was distrustful of them?

How often do we judge people by things other than who they are? I might see a new neighbor moving in across the street and assume I’m not going to like her because I think she’s dressed like a teenager rather than the 60 year old she clearly is. Maybe she’ll see me in my worn out jeans & baggy t-shirt and think I’m a slob (and she just may be right about that!). Before we’ve even said a word to each other, we’ve formed opinions about one another.

I know that I generally form opinions based on superficial factors. As a result, I often find myself needing to reassess that opinion. I’ve come to dislike people I thought I would like and like people I thought I would dislike. Changing one’s opinion isn’t that big a deal. I think it shows a person’s openness. Being close minded isn’t a positive trait, in my opinion.

I do, however, think that in relationships, it’s much better to err on the side of thinking someone is nice rather than bad. I’m not saying you should trust a perfect stranger with your credit card on the chance they may end up being a good friend (although apparently it’s been done). I’m just saying sometimes going in with a good attitude can end up paying off in ways you never imagined.

Posted in Relationships | 1 Comment

No, It’s Not You

Posted on August 22, 2010 by Joanne

What makes us like some people but dislike others? Sometimes the answer is pretty clear cut. Personalities can clash. You might not like me because I don’t seem to take anything seriously. I might not like you because I think you’re a gossip. But what about the times where there isn’t anything obvious?

I have people in my life with whom, it would seem, I do not have a single thing in common. There is very little that we agree upon and few points of view that we share. Yet, I love them, love being with them and we have fun together.

We’ve all seen people we know are close friends and wonder how on earth they could possibly get along. I usually attribute it to either the whole “opposites attract” thing or assume that there must be some quality there that I just don’t see because I don’t know these people well enough.

Then there are others; people who are sort of in my life due to circumstances. I need to interact with them in some way on a fairly regular basis. We seem to have a whole lot in common and there isn’t really anything that really seems to prevent us from being the best of friends. Yet, we aren’t nor will we ever be.

The problem truly doesn’t lie with them or with me, for that matter. There seems to be a component to relationships that goes beyond commonalities. Call it chemistry or refer to it as clicking with someone but I view it as an essential ingredient to friendship. It explains why I love being with the person I don’t really have much in common with but don’t enjoy the company of another person I that I do.

It seems to be something that’s either there or not; something there’s no real control over. I can’t force myself to like someone no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this is a person worth being friends with. I can’t make you like me even if I try my hardest to be amusing and witty. In fact, the harder I try, the more you might dislike me.

Friendships & relationships are complicated. People are complicated. And looking back on my high school days, chemistry was pretty complicated, too. So if I don’t like you – it’s not you. You are probably a very nice person and would make a great friend. Blame it on chemistry.

Posted in Relationships | 1 Comment

Yes, It’s You!

Posted on August 21, 2010 by LA

I knew that duck attacks were a common problem in 2010 America, but putting it in such simple terms seems to have struck a nerve. The response to the “Nibbled to Death?” post has surprised me.

Several people have asked me about the “the friend who texts because she is bored.” They asked, “Is it me?”

No, no, of course not! It’s, uh, my other friend. Yeah, the other one that you will probably never meet. But think about it. If you feel you have to ask, then, yes, it is you.

Truth is, it’s me, too.

So what? It doesn’t change the point. It is up to each of us to choose whether to respond right away.

We all get bored sometimes. We find ourselves with a little downtime in the doctor’s waiting room or parked outside basketball practice. We stand in line at the grocery store. There is nothing good on the radio while we sit in the traffic jam. Our iPod battery dies on the bus ride home. The thought of a good friend crosses our minds, and so we pull out the cell and send a quick message.

Please hear me when I say that this is a good and wonderful thing, a blessing to be treasured. I love to get messages from friends just because they happened to think of me. The point I was making in “Nibbled to Death?” was the feeling that I must drop whatever I am doing at the moment and immediately respond. This is completely my own internal pressure, not something I feel is being demanded by my friends.

If you are texting fifteen times in a row, insisting on a response this very moment or else, you are a problem for your friends. No one in my life is doing that, so everybody, relax.

One of the beauties of texts is that they do not require an immediate response most of the time. They can just lounge around in your inbox, hanging out until you get around to them. Most of the time, an immediate response is neither required nor expected. It is actually quite nice to find a message from a friend waiting, even if it’s from four hours ago and just says, “Whatcha doin’?” I love having people in my life who will ask me that. I love having friends who understand that I am not always free to answer right away. I hope I extend that understanding to others.

So, go ahead! Reach out and text someone. Know that by doing so, you are helping to strengthen the ties that true friendships are made of.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged friendship, relationships | Leave a comment

Nibbled to Death?

Posted on August 19, 2010 by LA

I have not been blogging lately because of the ducks. The ones that have been nibbling me to death.

What are the ducks in your life? These are some of mine: The teenager’s request to be driven to first one destination and then another and another, with plans changing on the fly. The interruptions of an unemployed husband who just wants to share everything with me, including the contents of the newspaper. The dog dropping her tennis ball at my feet. The friend who texts because she is bored.

Please do not misunderstand. I love my daughters, my husband, my friends, and my dog. They are the best things in my life. But loving does not mean you have to allow unlimited access to your time and to your psyche.

I do understand that being nibbled to death is my own fault. I have not put up appropriate fences to keep the ducks at bay. How can we do this without losing the people and things we love most?

Physical barriers are the easiest. I can take myself to the library or coffee shop for some uninterrupted writing time. I can close my door and ask spouse and child to interrupt only in emergencies while I work for an hour or two. I can put the cell phone out of easy reach and decide to answer only those calls and texts with special tones that identify the sender as one of my life’s VIPs.

Psychological barriers are a little more challenging. Even if I choose to answer, I can tell my offspring, “No,” when she calls with another non-emergency request. If I am serious about needing peace for a while, I can find the strength to ask my husband for exactly what I need, even at the risk of hurting his feelings. These things can be said kindly, but firmly, and the hearer can learn to tolerate a wee bit of disappointment. This becomes easier with practice.

The key to all of this is planning. If I block out two hours to work and tell family about it in advance, it isn’t reasonable for them to object. If I put myself on the list of priorities and on the calendar, I begin to be more whole and less torn apart in little, tiny chunks.

It is sometimes not easy to be whole, but it is always worth the effort. Bringing your whole self to the table in relationships can only enrich your interactions. Investing in a few simple barriers can yield large rewards.

Posted in Relationships | 1 Comment

Shortening The Long Distance Friendship

Posted on August 13, 2010 by Joanne

Back in the olden days, all the way in the 70s, I had a few friends who moved away. In most cases, moving away meant moving on. We only had 2 options for keeping in touch back then: letters or phone calls. Neither of those ever seemed to work out very well. Long distance phone calls were expensive and reserved for important phone calls. No one I ever knew called anyone long distance simply to chat. That only left letters.

You remember them, don’t you? You’d get a piece of paper, a pen (or pencil or crayon), write things down, put it in an envelope and mail it. Then you’d wait by the mailbox every day, checking to see if you received a reply. In school they even used to teach the proper way of writing a letter and addressing an envelope.

Apparently, the people I chose for friends weren’t too keen on letter writing. There wasn’t much correspondence and many friendships fell by the wayside. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I had been born 30 years later.

Technology has closed the distance between friends. People living hundreds of miles away can seem as though they’re just down the block. Everyone seems to have unlimited calling plans, cell phones with long distance included, email, instant messaging & text messaging. I can pick up the phone in NY and call my friend in California without even thinking about the cost. If I’m thinking of my friend in Kentucky and it’s much too late at night to call, I can send off an email, knowing it will arrive in minutes rather than days.

Another type of communication that became very important to my family in recent years was video calls. When my son was studying in Europe for 2 years, we were all able to see and talk to him. Somehow, seeing him made it feel like he wasn’t quite so far away.

I remember when video phone calls were the stuff of science fiction. We pictured wall telephones with screens attached. We imagined that every phone would become a video phone. Many of us wondered how we’d answer the phone if we weren’t quite suitable to make an appearance. I don’t know about you but personally, I never quite pictured it the way it has evolved. Now you can even video chat on a cell phone.

I can’t help thinking that maybe I’d still have some of those old friends in my life if we had some of this technology available when I was young.

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Hot Fun in the Summertime

Posted on August 9, 2010 by Joanne

The Lost Friend Found blog has been off to a slow start. The reason for this is… well it’s summertime. It’s vacation time. It’s time to have some fun in that hot sun. What does all this have to do with relationships & friendship? Everything.

In my personal life, it seems I have a lot of friends who are teachers or who work somewhere in the school system. That means they’re off for the summer or, at the very least, are working less hours. During the summer we can get together for lunch. Not that dinners are are off our schedule, but lunch seems to be more casual and more leisurely. There’s no worrying about getting home too late. We can sit out back, drinking lemonade, ice tea (sweet tea if you’re from the south) or maybe a mojito or 2. For some reason, during the summer, it seems like the time to lounge around and relax.

Summer is a good time for catching up with people, even if you can’t get together during the day. There are lots of outdoor events and concerts. There are more options for fun things to do with our friends – so get out, enjoy the longer days, & strengthen those bonds of friendship by having some fun! And if you don’t see any new posts here for a while, know that’s exactly what I’m doing.

#fb

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Parent or Friend?

Posted on July 20, 2010 by Christine

If you’re a parent, plan to be one, or know one (that should cover just about everyone) you must have meet one of those parents. You know the sort. The one who wants to be friends with their kid.

Initially, that may not seem like a bad idea. The thought behind it, I suppose, is to be very close to your kids. So close that they will share everything with you, even that bottle of vodka they have hidden under their bed. There’s just one problem – you are not their friend. You are the parent. You are in charge. You set the rules and see that they are obeyed.

Some may feel that they cannot set and enforce the rules without alienating their children. Let’s be realistic here, though. When your kids are teenagers, they will not want to have anything to do with you. You can dress up like you are 15, hang out with them, listen to their music and they will still know you are the adult. No matter how hard you try, you can never pull it off & pretend to be just another teenager. They will not tell you all their darkest secrets.

Frankly, as a mother, I wouldn’t want to pretend to be a teenager. For one thing, it was hard enough the first time around. And, as a parent, I automatically have the right to boss my children around so why would I want to give that up?

You can be close to your children while still retaining your right to set and enforce rules. It’s all in the delivery. Decide what’s truly important. Pick your battles carefully & let the little stuff slide. If you messed up, admit it and apologize. If you want your kids to talk to you, then listen when they do. (Come to think of it, the same rules can apply to just about any relationship!)

In my opinion, you are not their friend. You are their parent. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t be like a friend to them when it’s appropriate to do so.

Posted in Family Ties | Leave a comment

Something For Nothing

Posted on July 16, 2010 by Joanne

When you do someone a favor, you’re supposed to do it freely, without any thought of what you’ll get out of the deal. In theory, that sounds fine but when we constantly are doing for others and then find ourselves alone in our time of need, we can grow a little resentful. If we were there for our friends in times of trouble, we do tend to expect them to be there for us. For a long time, I had trouble reconciling the two seemingly conflicting feelings. How could I believe that we were supposed to give without expecting something in return and yet feel angry when my friends weren’t there for me?

After discussing this topic with my friend and my sister, we came up with the answer: there is no conflict. The first circumstance, helping people with no expectations, falls under the category of charity. The second, expecting your friends to be there for you, is in a different category: relationships.

Charity is more than just mailing out a check to your favorite cause or doing volunteer work. Charity can be simple things like listening to your elderly neighbor from down the block who lives all alone and has no one to talk to. Clearly those are circumstances where you wouldn’t even think of expecting anything in return. Your favorite charity certainly isn’t going to send you a check and you probably won’t get anyone to voluntarily paint your house.

Relationships, on the other hand, require some give and take. That’s why we expect our friends to be there for us. It’s not that we do things for our friends with strings attached but we do expect support from them. When that support isn’t there, we can feel disappointed, angry, or resentful.

I think what it sometimes comes down to is we can be friends with someone without actually having a true relationship. We may like their company and enjoy spending time with them. They are, after all, so much fun to be with. But we also need to recognize that, with some of these people we call “friends” there will never be that give and take. There will always be factors missing that make a friendship a true relationship. As long as the friendship is not damaging in any way, there is no reason we can’t remain friends with the person but we need to understand that this person will never be capable of being there for us the way we are for them. We may still care about them and still want to be there for them, though. That’s fine but just recognize it for what it is: charity.

If we can view it in that light, we can still have these people in our lives without all the negative feelings. Some of these people may even be our own family. That’s fine, too. They do say, “Charity begins at home.”

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Find Out What It Means To Me

Posted on July 10, 2010 by Joanne

When I was young and naive, I used to think the only thing any good relationship needed was love. Isn’t that what the Beatles told us? “All you need is love…” (Thankfully you cannot hear me singing!)

I was certain any and all problems could be worked out in any relationship. All you needed to do was love each other enough. If you loved your husband, your wife, your friends, you siblings, your children, then your relationship was indestructible. Love would surround you like some cosmic force field, protecting your bond from all attacks.

Over the years, I grew a lot older, a little wiser and discovered I was wrong. The writers of all those songs lied. Relationships were just a bit more complex than that. It was quite a shocking realization. How could all those singers be wrong? How could I be wrong?

It turns out there are a few more ingredients one needs in order to form a good relationship with another person. Sure love is important. It’s probably the single most important factor. Love is the flour in the bread recipe. If you don’t have flour, you can’t bake a loaf of bread. (No cracks about making oatmeal bread or cornbread or anything like that. Just go with the analogy!)

A strong, healthy relationship, like a nice loaf of bread, requires more than a single ingredient. For now, however, we will focus on just one of those: respect.

Some may argue that respect isn’t necessarily a key component in a relationship. I know I’ve certainly witnessed my share of long term relationships that seemed completely devoid of respect. Personally, though, I don’t think I would be able to survive any sort of relationship if it lacked respect.

For me, respect means my friend and I can disagree about religion without either of us thinking, “I’m right, you’re wrong and you’re stupid.” It means if I go out, I will let my husband know where I am so he won’t worry. It means I make requests of those I love rather than give orders.

You might be able to throw together some sort of relationship without adding respect into the recipe but it sure won’t taste very good. Just ask Aretha. I’m pretty sure she’d agree with me.

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